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From Shy to Strong: Helping Your Child Speak Up Without Feeling Scared

Tue, 23 Sep 2025 04:00:00 +0000

Do you ever worry your child’s quiet nature might hold them back?
Maybe they hesitate to raise their hand in class, shy away from meeting new friends, or avoid speaking up when something feels unfair.

Shyness itself isn’t a bad thing—but when it stops a child from expressing themselves, building friendships, or standing up for what’s right, parents know it’s time to help them grow confidence.

The great news? Confidence can be taught and practiced, just like reading, math, or riding a bike.

Step 1: Practice Speaking in Safe Spaces

Shy kids often freeze because they feel judged. Give them safe, low-pressure opportunities to use their voice.

? Action Tip: At dinner, let your child share their “favorite part of the day.” Rotate so everyone listens to them without interrupting. Over time, this habit teaches them their words matter.

Step 2: Role-Play Real-Life Situations

Sometimes kids don’t speak up because they don’t know what to say. Role-playing helps them practice responses before they’re in the moment.

? Action Tip: Pretend you’re the teacher and ask a question, then encourage them to raise their hand and answer. Or role-play a friend asking to borrow a toy, and coach them to say, “I’m not ready to share right now, but maybe later.”

Step 3: Celebrate Small Wins

Building confidence is a process. Recognize the small moments when your child speaks up.

? Action Tip: If your child orders their own meal at a restaurant, praise them afterward: “I love how clearly you spoke to the waiter—that was awesome!”

Step 4: Encourage Group Activities That Build Courage

Shy children often blossom when they’re surrounded by supportive peers and guided by strong role models.

? Action Tip: Enroll them in group activities where they can practice leadership in a structured way—like martial arts.

Why Martial Arts Training Works So Well for Shy Kids

Martial arts isn’t just about kicks and punches—it’s about building the inner strength to match the outer. Here’s how it helps shy kids:

Structured Confidence: Every belt earned is a visible symbol of progress.
Leadership Practice: Students are often asked to demonstrate in front of peers, gradually building public-speaking comfort.
Respect & Support: Instructors and classmates celebrate effort, not perfection, creating a safe space to try.
Voice Matters: Students are encouraged to respond loudly with “Yes, Sir!” or “Yes, Ma’am!”—a fun way to teach kids to speak up with confidence.

Parents often tell us they see their once-shy children start raising hands in school, greeting people confidently, and standing taller after just a few months of training.

Final Thought

Shyness doesn’t have to hold your child back. By practicing safe speaking opportunities, role-playing, celebrating wins, and finding empowering group activities like martial arts, your child can go from shy and reserved to strong, confident, and unafraid to use their voice.

? Parent Challenge: This week, give your child one small “speaking role” at home—like introducing the family during a meal prayer or telling a joke before bed. Confidence starts with little steps!

My Child Can’t Put Down Their Screen – Here’s How to Break the Cycle Without a Fight

Thu, 18 Sep 2025 04:00:00 +0000

If you’ve ever said, “Five more minutes!” … and an hour later your child is still glued to their tablet or video game, you’re not alone.

Today’s parents are fighting a new kind of battle: screen time overload. Studies show kids spend 7+ hours per day on devices, not counting schoolwork. That’s more time staring at a screen than sleeping!

But here’s the good news: with a few simple strategies, you can set limits without constant arguments—and help your child discover activities that light them up outside the digital world.

Step 1: Create “Tech-Free Zones” in Your Home

Pick certain spaces—like the dinner table, bedrooms, or family car rides—and make them no-screen zones. This sets clear boundaries and encourages conversation and connection.

? Action Tip: Post a fun sign that says “No Screens Allowed” and let kids help design it. Involving them gives them ownership of the rule.

Step 2: Swap “No” for “Yes”

Telling kids “no more screens” almost always backfires. Instead, redirect their attention with a positive alternative.

? Action Tip: Say, “Let’s put the iPad away and go shoot hoops,” or “Time for a board game before bed.” Kids respond better when they’re given something to do instead of something to stop.

Step 3: Set a Family Screen Schedule

Kids thrive on routine. Agree as a family on specific times for screens—like 30 minutes after homework or an hour on weekends. When expectations are clear, there’s less room for arguments.

? Action Tip: Use a kitchen timer or the alarm on your phone so kids know the timer, not Mom or Dad, is the one setting the limit.

Step 4: Model the Behavior

If your child sees you scrolling at the dinner table or binge-watching on the couch, they’ll think it’s okay. Show them that adults also balance screen time with real-life activities.

? Action Tip: Create a weekly family activity night where everyone is screen-free—whether it’s a walk, cooking dinner together, or a living-room dance-off.

Step 5: Introduce Activities That Compete With Screens

The truth is, kids reach for screens because they’re fun, exciting, and rewarding. If you want them to put the device down, they need something equally engaging in the real world.

This is where martial arts training comes in. In class, kids get:

The thrill of learning new moves (just like leveling up in a game).
Positive feedback from instructors and peers.
A structured, safe space to build confidence and burn off energy.
Clear goals—like earning belts—that give them something to work toward.

For many families, martial arts becomes the perfect “replacement habit.” Kids discover they can have fun, make friends, and grow stronger without relying on a screen.

Final Thought

Breaking the screen cycle isn’t about banning technology—it’s about teaching kids balance, discipline, and self-control. By setting limits, modeling healthy habits, and giving them exciting alternatives (like martial arts), you’re not just cutting down on screen time—you’re helping them grow into confident, focused, and respectful young adults.

? Parent Challenge: This week, set just one tech-free zone and try one screen-free activity as a family. You might be surprised how quickly your child adapts when they’re having fun.

Back To School with Confidence!

Fri, 25 Aug 2023 04:00:00 +0000

Pencils ✅ Pens ✅ Backpack ✅… what about Confidence❓

Back To School Special - Save Over 50% - Two Weeks for Only $49

VillariStudios.com

What Characteristics Would Help Your Child Succeed at School? ?

- Confidence ✅

- Focus ✅

- Self Control ✅

- Leadership Skills ✅

- Listening Skills ✅

- Pride ✅

- Work Ethic ✅

- Team Work ✅

- Self Discipline ✅

Our Mission is…

To Help Every Individual we Teach

REACH their personal GOALS,

REALIZE their full POTENTIAL and

ACHIEVE Black Belt EXCELLENCE! ??

On the path to Black Belt, we instill ALL of these Characteristics and SO much more…

…❓ LEADERSHIP SKILLS ❓ like raising their hand and volunteering for speaking or performing in front of a large group, which develops their Courage and Confidence.

…❓ PHYSICAL SKILLS ❓ like Coordination, Balance, Agility, Reflexes, and Flexibility, helping them to excel in their personal health and fitness.

…❓ EMOTIONAL SKILLS ❓ like Empathy, Fairness, and Gratitude, helping them find and choose the right friend group.

Sound like something you would like for your child or even yourself? ?

If so, then click the link below, find the location nearest you and get started today!

“INACTION breeds DOUBT and FEAR, ACTION breeds CONFIDENCE and COURAGE. If you want to conquer FEAR, do not sit home and think about it, go out and get busy”

~Dale Carnegie ~

❓❓❓TAKE ACTION NOW! ❓❓❓

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Martial Arts Tournaments

Wed, 05 Apr 2023 04:00:00 +0000

Martial arts tournaments can help children develop physical skills, mental resilience, and self-confidence. By participating in tournaments, children can gain valuable experience facing opponents, overcoming obstacles, and achieving their goals.

This experience can result in a boost in self-esteem and a sense of belonging within the Villari Martial Arts community. Moreover, the confidence gained from tournament participation can be the equivalent of months of regular classes, making it an excellent way for children to accelerate their progress in the martial arts.

10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child

Sun, 26 Sep 2021 04:00:00 +0000

Here’s how to cultivate a giving spirit in your children.

Kids benefit in many ways from learning to be generous and caring about others. Researchers have found that empathy is the cornerstone for becoming a happy, well-adjusted, successful adult. Studies show that possessing empathy also makes children more likable, more employable, better leaders, and more conscience-driven. It even increases their lifespan. The best news is that empathy can be cultivated, and some of the best empathy generators are service projects to help kids step out of their comfort zones, open their eyes and expose them to others’ lives.

1. Prioritize caring.

A report by Harvard University’s Making Caring Common Project found that most teens value academic achievement and individual happiness over caring for others. Their reason for this? Kids believed that’s what adults value. Prioritize charitableness in your family chats. Be clear that you expect your children not only to do their academic best, but to care about others. Display photos of your kids engaged in thoughtful endeavors, rather than just showcasing their school successes, athletic prowess or having them look cute for the camera.

2. Be a charitable role model.

The old saying, “Children learn what they live,” has a lot of truth to it. Studies show that if parents are generous and giving, kids are likely to adopt those qualities. So show your child the joy you get by giving. There are so many daily opportunities: phoning a friend who is down, collecting blankets for the homeless, volunteering at a food bank. After volunteering, be sure to tell your child how good it made you feel.

3. Make it a family routine.

A simple way to inspire children’s generosity is by reinforcing it. Keep a box by your back door to encourage family members to donate their gently used toys, games or books. Then each time the box is filled, deliver the items as a family to a shelter or needy family. Make charity a routine ritual that becomes a cherished childhood memory.

4. Acknowledge charitableness.

Whenever your child acts in a kind-hearted way, say so: Thank them for being kind or helping out. Also, let your kids overhear (without them thinking they’re supposed to) you describing their caring qualities to others.

5. Use real events.

Instead of just bemoaning bad news, talk about how you might help in the local community. It could be donating items to help after a publicized fire, or thinking about ways to assist the most vulnerable – like the homeless – during the winter. You can start at home, too, such as teaching them to be there for a family member who is going through a hard time.

6. Start a “giving plan.”

Encourage your children to give a portion of their allowance – or tooth fairy money – to a charity of their choice. Provide three small plastic containers for younger kids or envelopes for teens that are labeled: “save,” “spend” and “give.” Then help them decide which percentage of their money is to be allocated to each container.

7. Find your child’s passion.

Kids are more likely to want to get involved in service projects that match their interests. Help your kids choose something they’re good at and enjoy doing. If he loves reading, read to the blind; enjoys writing, be a pen pal to an overseas orphan; likes sports, volunteer for the Special Olympics; is musical, play at a homeless shelter; enjoys knitting, knit a beanie for a soldier. You get the idea.

8. Make charity a family affair – or share the experience with friends.

Find a service to do together, like serving in a soup kitchen. If your child enjoys volunteering with friends, ask if she’d like to do her project with someone. Or your child can form a club with neighbors, classmates, members of their scout troop or a church group.

9. Recap their impact.

Research has found that children who are given the opportunity to help others tend to become more helpful, especially if the impact of their actions is pointed out. So encourage your child to reflect on her volunteering experiences: “What did the person do when you helped? How do you think he felt? How did you feel? Is lending a hand easier than it used to be?” Remind your kids that their caring efforts are making a difference.

10. Keep giving.

A once-a-year day of volunteering is rarely enough for a child to adopt a charitable mindset. Look for ways to help your children experience the joy of giving on a regular basis: baking an extra batch of cookies for the lonely neighbor next door, adopting an orphan overseas (a portion of their allowance each week goes to that child), singing at a nursing home to add a little joy. The goal of getting kids involved in charity is not about winning the Nobel Peace Prize but giving them the opportunity to experience goodness.

7 Things Mentally Strong Kids Always Do and How Parents Can Teach Them

Thu, 01 Apr 2021 04:00:00 +0000

7 Things Mentally Strong Kids Always Do and How Parents Can Teach Them

By Amy Morin

As a psychotherapist, one of the most common questions parents ask me is: What are the key strengths I should be teaching my kids?

There are several, but the type that will really help them become their best selves and get through life’s toughest challenges is mental strength.

Mental strength requires you to pay attention to three things: the way you think, feel and act. Thinking big, feeling good, and acting brave helps us grow our mental muscles. Of course, it takes practice, patience, and constant reinforcement to get to a point where you’ll do these things naturally.

But I’ve seen many young people successfully achieve it over time. Here are seven things mentally strong kids always do, and how to help your kids get there if they haven’t already:

1. They empower themselves

If your kid says, “My friend got a higher score on the quiz, which makes me feel bad about myself,” they’re essentially giving someone else power over their emotions.

But kids who feel empowered don’t depend on other people to feel good. They choose, for example, to be in a bright mood even when someone else is having a bad day or tries to take their anger out on them.

Create catchphrases: Work with your kid to come up with phrases that they can repeat to themselves. Use words that show they are in charge of how they think, feel, and behave — regardless of how those around them are doing.

This will help drown out the negative voices in their head that try to convince them they lack the potential to succeed. The most effective catchphrases are short and easy to remember:

“All I can do is try my best.”
“Act confident.”
“I’m good enough.”
“I choose to be happy today.”

2. They adapt to change

Whether it’s moving to a new school or not being able to play with friends during the pandemic, change is tough. Your kid might miss the way things used to be or worry that what’s happening might make their life worse.

But mentally strong kids understand that change can help them grow into an even stronger person, even though it might not feel that way at first.

Name your emotions: Change feels uncomfortable. But just putting a name to your feelings can lessen the sting of these emotions.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t spend enough time thinking about how we feel. In fact, even as adults, we tend to put more energy into fighting our emotions.

So when your kid is faced with a major change, have them talk elaborately about how they’re feeling. More importantly, help them find — and define — the right words to describe it (e.g., sad, happy, frustrated, nervous, eager).

3. They know when to say no

Everyone struggles to speak up, say no, or express their feelings once in a while. But depending on the situation, choosing not to say yes makes you stronger.

Kids often struggle to say no because it can feel awkward and weird. By finding the courage to do it more often, however, they’ll find that it gets easier over time. It also reduces the stress of having to commit to things they don’t want to do.

Try the “give up” test: When your kid is faced with a decision to say yes or no, ask them what they will have to give up if they say yes. For example, saying yes to a playdate at a friend’s house might mean giving up time spent with siblings.

Ask them: “Are you willing to give that thing up?” If they decide they don’t want to, then say no. If they decide they don’t mind, then they can go ahead and say yes.

Help them find the courage to say no by coming up with polite ways to turn someone down:

“No, I’m not able to.” (You don’t always need to offer a reason.)
“Thank you so much for inviting me, but I’ve got other plans.”
“I’ll have to check and get back to you.” (Use this if they need some time to think about it.)
“I don’t really feel like doing that today, but I appreciate you asking.”

4. They own their mistakes

Kids are often tempted to hide their mistakes because they don’t want to get in trouble. Maybe they forgot to do their homework or accidentally broke an expensive vase.

Owning your mistakes helps you build character. Kids who are brave enough to practice this recognize what they did wrong, and mentally prepare themselves to fully admit to what they did.

They also apologize and find ways to avoid making the same mistake again.

Create an environment for success: If your kid is disorganized, they probably have a hard time remembering all their assignments. Or if their room is filled with tons of treats, they might not be able to resist eating too much sugar.

When your kid makes a mistake, remind them that they can change their environment in a way that will prevent them from making the same mistake twice.

For example, they can write down assignments as soon as they receive them, or remove all unhealthy snacks so they’re not within easy reach.

5. They celebrate other people’s successes

It’s normal for kids to feel jealous when their friends get a new toy, for example, or when the other team wins another game.

But feeling negatively towards other people only hurts them, and not the other party. Encourage your kid to cheer people on when they do a good job.

Mentally strong kids are supportive of their peers, and they focus on performing their best without worrying about how everyone else is doing.

Act like the person you want to be: Have your kid come up with a list of traits they admire. Maybe they want to be more confident like their sister, or optimistic like their teacher. Encourage them to act as if they already possess those traits.

This doesn’t mean they should be someone they’re not. It simply means putting their best foot forward. When we feel good about ourselves, it’s easier to celebrate other people’s successes.

6. They fail ... and try again

Failure hurts — it can feel embarrassing, disappointing, and frustrating. But the most accomplished people reached their goals by failing along the way.

Kids who do well later in life focus their attention on what went wrong and how they could fix it. They have growth mindsets that help them turn failures into positive learning experiences.

Remember successful people who failed: Experts have found that kids actually perform better when they learn that many success stories began with failure.

The next time your kid feels down because they feel they’ve failed at something, educate them about people who made similar mistakes, like Thomas Edison. Edison helped invent the lightbulb, in addition to many other great things. But he also had more than 1,000 inventions that didn’t work.

This will give your kid confidence, and they’ll know that one poor grade, for example, doesn’t mean they’re bad at science.

7. They persist

When it takes a while to reach a goal, or when you don’t feel like putting in the hard work to succeed, your brain might try to convince you to give up.

Mentally strong kids who persist will continue to work hard even when they don’t feel like it. Often, they eventually succeed and discover that they’re stronger than they initially thought.

Write a letter: Have your kid write a letter — filled with words of kindness and encouragement — to themselves.

It can be a long note or a short and simple one that says: “I know things are tough, but you can do this because you’ve achieved challenging goals before. And you can do it again.”

Each time they feel tempted to give up, tell them to go back to that letter. It will motivate them to push forward and persist.

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids

Thu, 25 Mar 2021 04:00:00 +0000

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids

Here’s how you can instill moral toughness in your kids to help them find their hero within.

By Michele Borba,

My favorite movie about courage is “We Bought a Zoo.”

The family comedy-drama features a father (played by Matt Damon) who, struggling with the loss of his wife and seeking to start his life over, buys a large house – with a zoo. In one scene, the teen son (played by Colin Ford) admits to his dad that he’s crazy about a girl, but unless he musters the courage to tell her that their relationship is over. His dad’s advice is priceless: “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

The truth is that sometimes kids need gentle nudges to step out of their comfort zone and discover their inner strength. Our job is to help our children find their 20 seconds of safe courage, so they can do the right thing when their conscience or heart urges them to step in and help.

Why is it important for kids to be courageous? A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure, say no to temptations that run counter to your family’s values, and fight the good fight. Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’ resilience, confidence, and willpower as well as their learning, performance, and school engagement.

The good news is that courage can be taught. Here are nine ways to stretch kids’ risk-taking muscles in our bubble-wrapped world, so they can face adversity and do the right thing:

Model courage. Kids who watch their parents stick their necks out to do the right thing are more likely to do the same. Let your child see you step out of your comfort zone, whether it’s tackling your fear of heights or speaking up to your boss. Then express how good it feels when you conquer your fear instead of taking a shortcut. Your kids will learn how to take on the tough challenges they face by witnessing how you tackle your fears.

Talk about values and courage. Research finds that kids are more likely to be courageous if they believe that their parents expect them to support those in need. Discuss bravery with your kids: Tell them, “Courage is making the choice to do what you know is right even if you are afraid.” Some parents develop a family courage mantra such as, “We find the courage to do what’s right, even if it’s hard” or “Our family speaks up and helps others.”

Stop bubble-wrapping and rescuing your kids. Always “fixing” children’s problems only makes them more dependent and reduces their ability to bravely seek their own solutions. It also sends a disturbing message: “I’ll help because you can’t do it alone.” If you’re “over-helping,” start building your child’s courage muscles by putting him in the driver’s seat. Have him tell his coach he can’t make practice, instead of doing that for him. Or have your child apologize to her pal without your assistance.

Ask your kids to share their acts of bravery. Learning to be brave takes practice, so encourage your children to do something courageous every day, such as introducing themselves to someone new, inviting a new classmate to play, or standing up for a peer. Then take time to focus on their courageous breakthroughs. One dad, I spoke with had his kids list their “brave successes” on paper strips, then stapled the strips together to make “courage chains.” A mom I talked to had her kids share their brave deeds at dinner time.

Dispel the “Superman myth.” Many kids assume they need to look like a superhero to be courageous. Share stories of those who changed the world with their quiet, nonphysical brave acts. Jackie Robinson, the first African-American to play Major League Baseball, was heckled because of his skin color, and along with excelling on the field, he showed great bravery by conducting himself in a professional manner on and off the playing surface. Mahatma Gandhi – who would go on to be the leader of nonviolent civil disobedience – ran home after school every day, as a child, because he was too shy to talk to anyone. Rosa Parks, the African-American civil rights activist who refused to give up her seat to white passengers, was described as “soft-spoken … timid and shy.”

Read about courageous kids. Share inspiring news and stories about children who stick their necks out for others. A couple of my favorite books for younger kids are “Courage” by Bernard Waber and “Brave Irene” by William Steig. Check out these titles for older kids: “Wringer,” by Jerry Spinelli, and “Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends” by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini.

Encourage young kids to take brave baby steps. Instead of picking her daughter up, a friend of mine helped her 3-year old find the courage to cross a small bridge by empowering her. “Be brave, Clara,” she told her daughter. “You can do it.” Clara continued, repeating to herself, “Be brave, Clara!” And she learned something when she crossed the bridge: “I’m brave, Mommy! I’m brave!”

Teach kids to prioritize safety. Even as we teach our children to be brave, it’s still important to temper risk-taking. Certainly, we want our children to be safe. So tell your child that safety is always the first priority. If someone could get hurt and the risk is too great, teach your kids to always get adult help or call 911 if needed. Encourage children to trust their instincts when they have concerns that something is unsafe.

Teach your kids how to reduce their fears. If not kept in check, fear can be overwhelming. Teach your child simple strategies to be brave. You might encourage positive self-talk, such as saying, “I can handle this” or “I have the courage to do this.” Or teach your child to take slow, deep breaths to find courage. Research finds younger children are more likely to share their fears with another child. Though you want them to be open with you, let them know it’s also OK to share their worries with a friend. Choose a fear reducer that works best for your child and then help her practice that until it becomes a habit.

For kids to thrive in today’s uncertain world, they will need courage and confidence. Let’s help them find their hero within and learn to be brave!

Seven Things Every Kid Needs To Hear

Thu, 18 Mar 2021 04:00:00 +0000

As caring adults it’s important we are both tough AND tender. Most of us are good at one or the other by default. The challenge is being able to vacillate between the two depending on the situation and what would be most helpful.

Here are 7 things are that every kid needs to hear, regardless of their age or stage. Plus how you can ensure all 7 are a part of your ongoing communication with the kids you care about most.

1. I love you.
This is crucial. always be strong enough to say to your kids. people responded to this post, grown adults, who have NEVER heard this from their parents. if they don’t hear it from you i don’t know who they’ll hear it from.

2. I’m proud of you.
As parents or caring adults, it’s important we applaud effort more than an achievement because achievement is often subjective to the group we are competing against. So applaud and reward effort over achievement and let your child know you’re proud of them.

3. I’m sorry.
Taking responsibility as an adult is so important for our kids to see. We have to model what it looks like to be an adult and apologize when we make mistakes. And don’t cop out by saying “I’m sorry, but …. “!

Remember kids learn a little bit from what we say, they learn a little more from what we do but learn the most from who we are!

4. I forgive you.
It’s crucial for young people to know if you are wanting to succeed, you must be willing to fail. They are going to screw up, it happens! The question is always: what will you do when you inevitably mess up? By saying I forgive you, kids know it’s ok to admit mistakes.

5. I’m listening.
Once your child is a pre-teen or teen the name of the game isn’t about control, it’s about influence. You can’t control a 15-year old but you can influence them by listening and asking them questions. Lecturing doesn’t work as well as asking strategic questions and then listening, doing that will help them come to their own mature decisions and beliefs about situations.

6. This is your responsibility.
Don’t bail your kid out of problems they can solve. Instead remain like a coach: prepare your child before the game, cheer from the sidelines and then review what went well and what went poorly from the sidelines.

The urge is there because we care, but don’t stay on the sidelines and stay off the field! If you fix it, they’ll interpret that as you telling them they don’t have what it takes. Instead, be there for moral support and guidance, but let them take responsibility.

7. You’ve got what it takes.
It’s important for them to know you know they have what it takes. If they know you believe in them, they’re better prepared to take baby steps to accomplish their goals and dreams and face those difficult situations.

BONUS: #8. No
Sometimes the most loving and caring thing you can tell a kid is NO. Rest assured, they won’t always appreciate it in the moment. But years later they shall circle back and praise your brilliance. By saying NO to the wrong things, it allows us to say YES to the right things.

5 Powerful Reasons Why You Must Take Action

Mon, 08 Mar 2021 05:00:00 +0000

5 Powerful Reasons Why You Must Take ACTION

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”

~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~

“The possibilities are numerous once we decide to act and not react.“

~George Bernard Shaw~

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to improve their lives is one of the simplest. They just don‘t take action based on what they learn from blogs or books. And that‘s no good at all. If you aren't already taking action and doing so consistently you really need to start now. Here are five powerful reasons why.

#1 - No one is coming.

This may sound a bit harsh. But the sooner you realize that no one else will do this for you the quicker you will improve your life. Personal responsibility is essential to improve and control your own life. Without that what you want will stay a dream or a sporadic activity/dabbling that leads to pretty much nothing in the long term.

You can blame your problems and lack of success on anyone you like and waste your time and energy. You can get help from family, friends, books, or blogs. But your life is your responsibility and it's up to you to create in the way you choose to.

#2 - Apply the knowledge or it is pretty worthless a lot of the time.

Yeah, reading blogs or books can make you feel good. You are learning about all of this awesome and useful information so it kinda feels like you are making progress and improving your life.

Now, reading positive and helpful material can help motivate you in a world where you may be surrounded by more negative inputs like the news or people around you. Nothing wrong with that.

But many people fool themselves into thinking that reading in some way will replace action. That reading will take care of your problems in some magical way. It´s at the same time a pleasurable and frustrating headspace to be in. You tend to read a lot and think that the next thing will be the magic pill that will finally solve your problem.

#3 - You understand by doing.

There are no real magic pills of course.

When you read a lot you think that you understand things. But you never really understand anything until your experience it. Yes, knowledge can help you to avoid pitfalls and improve quicker. But it can't relate to how it feels to experience something. And it can't relate to how you experience something since we are all a bit different from each other.

When you start doing things you might also discover that things are often a bit more messy in real life than in books where it may seem like you only have to follow a clean ten-step method to get the results you want. But that's part of the fun of living life rather than just thinking and reading about it.

#4 - You raise your self-esteem.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to do the right thing. What you think is the right thing. Not what your friends, family, teachers, boss, and society think is the right thing. What is the right thing? That's up to you to decide. Often you have a little voice in your head that tells what the right thing is. Or a gut feeling.

It might tell you to get up from the couch, stop eating those snacks and go to the gym instead. Sometimes you will put your exercise clothes on and go. Sometimes you will not. Creating a habit where you take action every day and do the right thing is not just important to get the results you want. This step is very important to raise self-esteem and keep it up.

#5 - Time will pass no matter what you do.

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.”

~ Karen Lamb ~

Your life is not endless. Your time is one of the most important things in your life. Don't waste a huge chunk of it. Start taking action towards what you really want out of life today.

12 Tips for Raising Honest Kids

Thu, 04 Mar 2021 05:00:00 +0000

12 tips for raising Honest kids

Parents rate honesty as the quality they most want to teach their children. We asked the experts for their best advice for raising honest kids.

by: Charity Ferreira

Brace yourself for the cold, hard truth: all kids lie. They do it for many of the same reasons adults do: to avoid getting into trouble, to avoid hurting another person’s feelings, or to make themselves look better. The ability to tell a lie develops early — as young as 2 1/2 for some kids — and it’s a normal and important stage of kids’ cognitive and social development. By age 4, all kids lie; by age 6, some estimates are that kids lie as often as once an hour. (And if you’re thinking, ‘Not my kid!’ note that research shows parents score little better than chance in determining whether or not their child is telling a lie!)

How can you convey to your preschooler the difference between the truth and the whoppers she tells you about her day? Or teach your elementary school-aged child that it’s better to come clean about having made a mistake? Or get your teen to be honest with you about where they were on Friday night? We asked experts — researchers, child development specialists, and psychologists — for their advice on teaching kids the value of honesty at every stage.

Model honesty

It sounds obvious, but if you don’t want your kids to lie to you, don’t lie to them, and don’t let them hear you telling lies. “It’s one thing to say to kids that honesty is important, but then if they see you lying, it sends a mixed message,” says Victoria Talwar, associate professor in the Department of Educational and Counseling Psychology at McGill University in Montreal and a leading researcher on kids and lying.

It’s surely less effort to say, “I don’t have any money with me” than to explain to your child that they can’t have ice cream because they’ve already had a sweet treat that day or because it’s too close to dinner. Or to tell the fundraiser on the phone that you aren’t interested in donating rather than saying you already did. But over time, so-called “little white lies” teach your child that dishonesty is okay in some situations — and leaves them to interpret which situations those are. If you want your child to grow up with the belief that honesty is the best policy, do your best to live by that credo, too.

Don’t set them up

Particularly for preschool-aged kids, one way to deter lying is simply by not inviting them to. When you see your child with a juice-stained lip and an overturned bottle on the table, there’s no need to ask, “Did you spill this juice?” Kids this age will lie out of a desire to avoid getting into trouble, says Dr. Peter Stavinoha, a clinical neuropsychologist for the Center for Pediatric Psychiatry at Children’s Medical Center of Dallas. ”If you know they did it, don’t ask! If you ask, you’re giving them the option to lie. So they lie, and then you get upset about that, and now there are two things where there used to be only one,” Stavinoha says.

“Looks like you spilled some juice. Let’s clean it up together,” keeps things focused on the issue at hand. And if you’re not sure who broke the vase, or which sibling is lying about it, Stavinoha says, go straight to the consequence. “Don’t engage with the question of did they break it or which child broke it. Focus on what you want accomplished. ‘We have a mess here. I’m asking you both to clean it up.’ You’re showing them that there’s no positive consequence for denying responsibility.”

Tell positive stories

In a study led by University of Toronto psychologist Kang Lee, researchers including Talwar found that kids ages 3 to 7 who heard the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree, which illustrates a positive consequence of honesty (George is praised for telling the truth), were much more likely to tell the truth than kids who heard the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf, which illustrates a negative consequence of lying (the shepherd repeatedly calls for help as a prank, but the one time he really needs help, the villagers don’t come to his rescue).

“We talk about lying being bad, but we don’t highlight the alternative behavior. Kids need examples for how to behave in situations where lying might be easier, stories that show how to be honest, what does that look like? Those are important messages,” says Talwar. For older kids, talking about the honesty of the characters in the books they’re reading can provoke inspiring and instructive discussion.

Ask for a promise

If you need a straight answer about something you’re concerned about, such as an incident at school, asking your child to promise to tell you the truth before asking them a question increases the chances that they will, studies suggest. But note that this strategy is not a guarantee, and it should be used sparingly so that you don’t wear it out. “You don’t want to overuse this one or it may lose its efficacy,” says Angela Crossman, professor, and chair of the Department of Psychology at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice at City University of New York. And as Talwar notes, promises tend to feel more binding to younger kids.

Say truth-telling makes you happy

Young children, under the age of 8 or so, are very motivated to please authority figures, says Talwar. Her research shows that telling kids that you’ll be happy with them if they tell the truth increases the likelihood they’ll be straight with you. Tweens and teens, she notes, tend to care somewhat less about pleasing authority figures and more about their own internal sense of what’s right. (Another study found that telling 9- to 11-year-olds that they would feel good about themselves if they told the truth decreased the chances they would tell a lie.) At all ages, look for opportunities to make your child feel good about being trustworthy.

Teach tact

Kids learn early — from their parents — how to lie for the sake of politeness or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. “Thanks, this book looks great,” instead of, “I already have this book!” or “I can’t play because I’m busy,” instead of “I don’t like playing with you!” Researchers call these kinds of lies “prosocial” because they smooth our interactions with others. But being honest does not have to equal being rude or hurtful. The key, says Talwar, is to balance honesty with consideration for the other person’s feelings. “We want to teach our children to be honest but we want to teach them to be kind as well. We need to teach honesty in a way that potentially helps others rather than potentially hurts others,” says Talwar. In the case of the book, this might mean saying it’s an author they like or expressing appreciation for the thought that went into choosing it.

Don’t reward the lie

When your child lies, there’s a reason — they’re seeking something. And if they get it, that can reinforce lying as an effective strategy. So if you notice that your younger child always fabricates a story about getting hurt at school as soon as your older child starts telling you about their day, it might be an attention-seeking behavior. “When a child lies, figure out what dynamic may be going on,” suggests Crossman. “Are there ways you can ignore the lie so they don’t get the reward? Can they get what they’re wanting in some other way?”

Catch them being honest

We often catch kids in lies, says Talwar, but if we want to teach them to value honesty, we need to look for opportunities to acknowledge when they tell the truth, especially in situations where it might have been easier for them to lie. When your child tells you the truth about something they’ve done, take a moment to show that you appreciate their honesty by saying, “I’m really glad you told me the truth.”

Discipline calmly

In environments where punishments are doled out harshly and arbitrarily, research shows that kids learn to lie earlier and more skillfully than their counterparts in less punitive environments. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discipline. But in an atmosphere with a punitive, authoritarian approach to discipline, developing the ability to lie can be seen as a protective measure.

“One thing parents can do is simply not have a great big emotional reaction. The more explosive the parent gets, the more frightened the child gets, and the more likely they are to lie. Simply remaining calm and sticking to the facts you’ve observed is one way to get kids to tell the truth,” says Stavinoha.

Have a conversation, not a lecture

The more open and conversational the relationship between parent and teen, the more effective, says Dr. John Duffy, clinical psychologist and author of the best-selling The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. “That means more discussing and less lecturing.” When clashes happen, waiting for the situation to abate and approaching your teenager calmly is always going to yield a more positive outcome, he says. And when it comes to raising truthful teens, he recommends discussing issues of honesty and lying openly with your child. “Something along the lines of, ‘We want you to feel free to be honest with us, regardless of what you have to say.’ Teens respond well to this type of communication, but parents have to be prepared for the honesty!”

Set clear rules

Ninety-eight percent of teenagers worldwide lie to their parents. That’s the conclusion of Dr. Nancy Darling, professor and chair of the Department of Psychology at Oberlin College, who has researched teens and honesty for two decades. Darling says setting clear rules is important for cultivating an honest relationship with teens — and that being strict is okay. However, she says, it’s essential that parents pair this with being emotionally warm and open and accepting, so teens don’t think they will be harshly and unjustly punished.

“If you balance these two aspects of parenting clearly, your teenagers will be more likely to ask for your permission and more likely to confess if they have broken a rule. They need to respect you and believe you will be warm, accepting, and non-punitive,” she says. “If kids think you have the right to set rules, if they respect you, they are more likely to be truthful — but they’ll still want to argue with you about what is safe and what they should be allowed to do.”

Give them space

Respecting teens’ natural desire for privacy can encourage more honesty, Darling says. “You don’t want to be intrusive, you don’t want to get into their business more than you need to,” she cautions. “Ask for only the information you need. If you do that, they will probably provide additional information.” For example, you need to know your teen was safely at a friend’s house on Friday night; you don’t need to know what they talked about. Prying too deeply is asking for teens to push back by putting up barriers or lying, Darling says. So keep it on a need-to-know basis, and if they still clam up, just explain, “You don’t want me to butt into your business, and I don’t want to butt into your business but I have to know because …” and tell them why you need an honest answer.